Letting go of our need to control

Greeting all.

Well I have returned to offer some thought and ideas.

This time I am writing about our penchant to want to control outcomes.

We would all like to feel we have the power to control cause and effect. That is, to control how things turn our in our lives.

"If I do this,

 then that will happen."

For example:

If I take this medicine,

I will feel beter.

If I am nice to you,

you should be nice to me.

If we teach our children

they will learn.

I I study hard,

I will get an A

If I am a perfect parent,

my children will be happy and well adjusted.

We all want to think we can cause things to be the way we want. This is a rather linear way of thinking about how the world works. If I do A then B will happen.

In the retreats I offer, I talk about the two aspects that go into our need to control outcomes.

1) Insistence
2) Resistance

We insist that things go the way we want, and then we resist things when they turn out differently. This is the basis of much of our suffering and frustration.

We are learning everyday that everything from the tiniest sub-atomic particles to the largest galaxies do not control one another, rather they influence each other. We have also learned that just by observing an event we exert an influence on what occurs! Just being present effects outcomes that we often are not even aware of.

When I was in college I was taught the proper experimental method. Develop a hypothesis, introduce and independent variable and measure the dependent variable. For example: Smiling more will reduce conflict in couples. Introduce different levels of smiling and measure the results. Except something was happening. The cause and effect was not 100%. I learned that I could not control all confounding variables. So, the best I could do was offer the results as a degree of influence. 

There goes linear thinking. A does not always cause B. A might cause B to happen but there are often so many other things going on with B that we can only guess how much A causes B. In fact, we can only say how much A influences B.

So what do we do?

Shift our approach to ourselves, others, and the world from one of control to influence. To place our attention and energy in offering what each situation is asking from us. Offering at any given moment, the most positive influence on this process.

I am sure Jim Harbaugh would have loved to control the outcome of the last Super Bowl. All he could do was prepare his team in order to have the greatest influence in the process of the game.

Influence on the process.

Stuck in traffic and late for a meeting? Pounding on the dashboard and yelling is trying to control outcomes. Get other drivers to do what we want, thinking we can control the stop lights: insistence (insist that you make all the lights to your destination) and resistance (blaming Murphy's Law, the driver ahead of you, the weather). 

Taking a deep breath and listening to some calming music, talk with your partner about the grandkids, notice the sunrise, are all ways to more positively influence the process that is occurring (you sitting at a red light). What is occurring will not necessarily change at your beckon, how you respond will influence the quality of your life and those around you! 

You can influence how you respond, you cannot control the universe!

So, the next time you find yourself in insistence and resistance mode, take a deep breath and ask yourself: 

What can I do to help? 

How can I best influence in the most positive way possible? 

What is something constructive I can offer?

Is my response making this situation better or worse?

Our lives are going to unfold as they do. We do not drive the unfolding of events. We can show up with the most patient, open and compassionate perspective possible.

When we shift our efforts to influencing the process we can relax a bit. We can now look at things as "how close can I get." Rather that "can I get what I want?" "

If I study hard, let's see how close I can get to geting an A. 

If I change my diet and exercise let's see how much better I will begin to feel.

If I am not as defensive let's see how people around me respond.

The shift from to "it has to be a certain way", to "let's see what happens." There are just far to many factors that effect outcomes that we have no control over. To continue to insist that if you do A then you can expect B, is to ignore how events come into being.

So in closing, let go of the need to control outcomes and work with situations as they arise with greater patience, openness and compassion. This will enhance the quality of your life in many ways. I won't say in which ways because that will be just trying to control outcomes again. Just show up and see what happens when you let go of your insistance to control outcomes.

Is bigger better?

Greetings to all!

I received an e-mail today that emphasized the importance of "being big," "going big," asking if we are up to something big in our life; or if we are setting for the small.

Well this got me thinking.

Consider this: Reflect on the times that something small, simple, modest had a huge influence on all of us.

I will mention a few:

The Buddha sitting, waiting patiently for enlightenment under the Bodhi Tree

Jesus exhorting us: "Those without sin cast the first stone."

Miester Eckhardt: "If the only prayer you say in your life is 'thank you,' that would suffice."

And.....

And....

Here is a link to a beautiful video that reminds us that it is sometime a small gesture that can make a real profound change.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?

v=zyGEEamz7ZM&list=FLa-7-qNljhrvUv0LeTSPAEA&index=180&feature=plpp_video

OK. Point made.....

Our culture so sadly emphasizes the BIG (cars, breasts, money, titles, wars, championships, muscles) often leaving us to feel inadequate, less that, not good enough unless we are doing something BIG. So we think we are settling. The messages we receive are deficiency based!

Think about it.

When was the last issue of Cosmopolitan that told women they are fine just they way they are? The last issue of financial magazines that told us to remember to focus on other things than being afraid about whether we have enough money?

OK?

So when considering the importance of the life you have been given, please do not overlook the small gestures.

Not everything BIG is all that big. Yes, I have highlighted some pretty influential people, but remember, but all they have asked us to do is follow their examples in our lives.

So the next time you feel less that, do something small

• listen to a bird song
• smile at another person
• relax your breath
• pick up some litter
• be patient
• call a friend
• let someone out in traffic

A small pebble makes ripples too.

For your reference and reminder:

http://www.monarchbreeze.com/Desiderata.html

We are all enough! The more we allow ourselves to accept this and embrace what is right, the more what we do will leave a wonderful impact.

Peace and Gassho.

Tom

Mindfulness, Mindfulness.... Where has mindfulness gone?

Mindfulness mindfulness mindfulness. Mindfulness for this, mindfulness for that. Everywhere you

turn you see or hear about mindfulness.

For example, mindfulness to become a better parent, mindfulness to become a better doctor, mindfulness to become a better lawyer, mindfulness in order to be a better student, mindfulness in order to get rid of headaches, and can you believe it mindfulness even mindfulness overcome shyness.

Yes even me! In trying to work with my publisher on an acceptable title for my book I was repeatedly told that the title must PROMISE something to the reader, something they want. I lost that battle. In the subtitle of my book it reads: "…to overcome fear and embrace compassion." This is a promise, I don't even believe.

The true mindful practice doesn't help you overcome anything. It just helps you face things better.

Like everything else that gets exploited mindfulness is now neatly package for your consumptive desires.

Its right up there on the shelf with shoes, lawn mowers, vacation packages, breakfast cereals, eyeliners, and the best diet

Everybody is touting and selling mindfulness. Step right up and get yours.

Okay let's restore some sanity here.

If you do mindfulness for some outcome you're not doing mindfulness. I'm not sure what you're doing and it may be beneficial but it is not mindfulness.

You see, the real practice all mindfulness has no outcome. You don't do mindfulness to get anywhere or achieve anything.

So why practice mindfulness?

All the great teachers (Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Toltec, Muslim, Native Peoples) have taught one thing:

The only reason to practice mindfulness is this: to wake up!!!!

That's all.

To wake up!

The more you peel back the layers of self deception and see things clearly as they truly are, in other words the more wake you become, the more you are able to live your life from an open compassionate heart, and a balanced calm mind. The benefits of this spontaneously move in all directions throughout all space and time.

Geez, Neuropsychology (Richard Davidson at UW-Madison and others) has even shown that those who simply practice mindfulness meditation (i.e. the Dalai Lama) show profound changes in the structures of their brain!

So stop all this nonsense of trying to practice mindfulness for any particular outcome.

Practice this enduring skill for its own sake, and everything else will take care of itself.

The simple yet profound practice of mindful meditation, whether on a cushion or in a chair, or in a grocery line, or talking with another, just keeps you in an open, balanced, and compassionate place that just makes this a better world.

Oh, yea, from now on I am going to avoid using the word "mindfulness." It has become so overused that we just don't know any more what we are talking about. I am not sure what I will use in its place: Presence, or Deeply wakeful…….

Until the next series of moments arrive.

Tom

So much of what we are exposed to is about being told WHAT to think. I really encourage all of us to work more diligently on HOW to think. That is to really examine if what is being expressed reflects what is true for you. I just finished two wonderful little books that I feel are helpful in this respect. They are: Buddhism: It is not what you think; and The Naked Now: Learning to see as the mystics see. Please do not let the titles effect you. Both authors talk about how to clearly see and think for ourselves. They are useful in all areas of our lives. Let me know what you think!

I created you from love. Why do you hate? Reflection on war.

I am very distressed when I see war and God linked together. Associating religion and killing is a very dangerous (an seriously inaccurate) alliance. A cartoon editorial today displayed God as saluting soldier in a way that communicates his approval for war and killing as a way to create peace. Hmmmmmm not sure that is what God (or whatever your faith refers to) really intends for us.
Peace only happens when we work towards creating patience, openness, and compassion. Gandhi "defeated" the British without raising a gun, and let's see, did Jesus, Buddha etc. exhort us to raise arms against one another? No.
My son reminds me that as long as there are "bad guys," there will always be the need for war. Perhaps. Let's remember that there are people who also see us as "bad guys too."
We also see this mentality in the political dialogue as well. One side needing to justify itself by vilifying the other.
So when do we stop all this "bad guy" stuff? Take a long hard compassionate look at that picture of this Earth rising above the horizon of the moon, and realize that we are all on this planet together. No one, and I mean NO ONE has the authority to define another as a "bad guy." We really cannot afford continue this type of hateful thinking.

When will we begin to look at one another as anything other than a miracle?

Peace.

Tom

On Wisconsin

No, this is not the fight song for the UW. This is about the fighting going on in Wisconsin. I debated with myself about whether to weigh in on this. Obviously I decided to. I am not Republican, nor Democrat. I vote people and issues. I have voted Democrat, Republican, Independent, Libertarian, and Green. I am not spoon fed what to think and how to vote by slick marketing spin doctors, nor self righteous leaders of political parties. I think for myself. So, with this said here I go.

This is for ALL of our elected state leaders. First, go back to Kindergarten! Learn to share and play well with others. Running away to try and get your way is not really the way to work the system. You abdicate your responsibility of representing those who elected you to have a voice in Madison. On the other hand, deciding how to do an end run while half your team is absent is just plain poor sportsmanship. Yes, it can be done….but why?

Second, Go back to High school and re-take Civics class. Remember this is a participatory democracy. That means to participate! All of you, for the betterment of all of us! It also means to remember the adage “Of the people, by the people.” Not of the Republicans for the Republicans, or of the Democrats by the Democrats! When political agendas subjugate the democratic process we are all in trouble. This isn’t happening only in Wisconsin either. Look how often you are defined by what news channel you watch! Yikes!

Finally, this is for Governor Walker. Lead by leading. Not by intimidation and threats. If you want people to trust and follow you, set the example. For example, move out of the Governor’s Mansion (this has been done before) and into a 2 bedroom apartment (maybe this hasn’t). Give up the servants, the cooks, and the people who do your laundry and live like the rest of us. Pay yourself $1 for the first year of your term. If you want the rest of us to tighten the belt and make concessions, then try doing this yourself. I think you would get far more cooperation and respect.

In closing, let’s not loose sight of one very important oft ignored issue. Politics aside, we must look at how we are treating one another. Using this time to point the finger, give the finger, blame, accuse, and use violent and aggressive language towards one another is extremely divisive and unbecoming. Exciting apprehension and anger is a serious symptom of people reacting out of fear and feeling out of control. As if their voice do not matter. Is this what we really want? Changes have to be made, no doubt. But, to scare people into submission just is not the way to do it. Neither is to retaliate out of hostility. We are a state (and a nation) seriously divided. We must remember the bigger picture. We have a precious Democracy to protect. We are all in this together, and it will take all of us together to get through these difficult times.

Why shoud we be so surprised?

Why should we be so surprised?


It is so curious to sit back and watch the hostility and aggression being used to decry hostility and aggression. Sadly, this tragedy, while presently newsworthy will not change things appreciably. Nothing will change this sort of behavior until our fundamental orientation to each other and to our world changes. Watch the venomous finger pointing, blaming, holding certain people and groups accountable. This sort of thinking is not much different from the deranged thinking of a Jared Loughner. Be scared, be angry, and point it at someone you do not like!

We are sadly reminded of the pervasive violence in our country by the horror in Tucson. But why should we be so surprised? We are and have been a very violent nation.
What Jared Loughner did merely reflects who we are as a nation. Responsibility for his actions must be borne by all of us! What one person does, we all do.

Now lets talk about fear. Specifically, how fear has been used to manipulate individuals and nations. This is well documented. When Germany was in a serious state of economic crisis, a man named Adolf Hitler capitalized on the national fear and distress by maximizing every German’s fear, and subsequently identifying an enemy: the Jews. You know the rest of the story.

Now, there are many other instances of how peoples fear was manipulated: Jim Jones, The Crusades, Pol Pot, religious extremists, Ku Klux Klan. They all utilize the very same strategy. Whip up as much fear as possible and find an enemy to take it out on. Power hungry people are skillful at manipulating fear, then identifying an enemy to blame for the fear,

Human violence permeates all of our lives. Not just the newsworthy violence that captures our attention until the next news item is put in front of us. There is the violence perpetrated on a small girl, alone in her bedroom being sexually abused by a family member. There is the woman who gets her jaw broken because she was 3 minutes late coming home form the store. There is the hate and violence aimed at blacks, immigrants, gays/lesbians, Democrats, Republicans, etc. Fear attempts to frighten and silence. So why do we act as if the actions of Jared Loughner are so out of the ordinary? They are not! The just remind of what we wish to ignore on a wholesale scale.

So why aren’t things going to change as a result of this violence? Well, simply put , because of fear. When we relate to one another out of fear we no longer can feel any sort of empathy. Fear turns others into things to protect ourselves from, and we then react accordingly. Fear blinds us (hence the saying “blind fear”). The child is no longer a child, it is a thing to act out power and control needs; that woman is no longer a loved one, rather a thing that threatens; Democrats/ Republicans are no longer people who have hopes and dreams, but villains, which threaten the very fabric on our country.

So, you see, this tragedy in Tucson will not change unless, we as human beings, wake up and recognize how dreadfully our most basic fears are being manipulated for the gain of those who want power, wealth, and fame. As soon as we recognize this sort of manipulation, we will be far less likely to be driven to rain violence down on each other. We will be able to live by the words:

“You are none other than me with a different name and a different face.” And treat each other with great patience, openness, and compassion.

Fear is the basis of all violence, greed, hatred and war! Stop the manipulation! Think for ourselves!

When we listen to and begin to live by the great teachers (Christ, Buddha, Krishna, Merton, King, Gandhi and of course many others) then this madness will stop.