Letting go of our need to control

Greeting all.

Well I have returned to offer some thought and ideas.

This time I am writing about our penchant to want to control outcomes.

We would all like to feel we have the power to control cause and effect. That is, to control how things turn our in our lives.

"If I do this,

 then that will happen."

For example:

If I take this medicine,

I will feel beter.

If I am nice to you,

you should be nice to me.

If we teach our children

they will learn.

I I study hard,

I will get an A

If I am a perfect parent,

my children will be happy and well adjusted.

We all want to think we can cause things to be the way we want. This is a rather linear way of thinking about how the world works. If I do A then B will happen.

In the retreats I offer, I talk about the two aspects that go into our need to control outcomes.

1) Insistence
2) Resistance

We insist that things go the way we want, and then we resist things when they turn out differently. This is the basis of much of our suffering and frustration.

We are learning everyday that everything from the tiniest sub-atomic particles to the largest galaxies do not control one another, rather they influence each other. We have also learned that just by observing an event we exert an influence on what occurs! Just being present effects outcomes that we often are not even aware of.

When I was in college I was taught the proper experimental method. Develop a hypothesis, introduce and independent variable and measure the dependent variable. For example: Smiling more will reduce conflict in couples. Introduce different levels of smiling and measure the results. Except something was happening. The cause and effect was not 100%. I learned that I could not control all confounding variables. So, the best I could do was offer the results as a degree of influence. 

There goes linear thinking. A does not always cause B. A might cause B to happen but there are often so many other things going on with B that we can only guess how much A causes B. In fact, we can only say how much A influences B.

So what do we do?

Shift our approach to ourselves, others, and the world from one of control to influence. To place our attention and energy in offering what each situation is asking from us. Offering at any given moment, the most positive influence on this process.

I am sure Jim Harbaugh would have loved to control the outcome of the last Super Bowl. All he could do was prepare his team in order to have the greatest influence in the process of the game.

Influence on the process.

Stuck in traffic and late for a meeting? Pounding on the dashboard and yelling is trying to control outcomes. Get other drivers to do what we want, thinking we can control the stop lights: insistence (insist that you make all the lights to your destination) and resistance (blaming Murphy's Law, the driver ahead of you, the weather). 

Taking a deep breath and listening to some calming music, talk with your partner about the grandkids, notice the sunrise, are all ways to more positively influence the process that is occurring (you sitting at a red light). What is occurring will not necessarily change at your beckon, how you respond will influence the quality of your life and those around you! 

You can influence how you respond, you cannot control the universe!

So, the next time you find yourself in insistence and resistance mode, take a deep breath and ask yourself: 

What can I do to help? 

How can I best influence in the most positive way possible? 

What is something constructive I can offer?

Is my response making this situation better or worse?

Our lives are going to unfold as they do. We do not drive the unfolding of events. We can show up with the most patient, open and compassionate perspective possible.

When we shift our efforts to influencing the process we can relax a bit. We can now look at things as "how close can I get." Rather that "can I get what I want?" "

If I study hard, let's see how close I can get to geting an A. 

If I change my diet and exercise let's see how much better I will begin to feel.

If I am not as defensive let's see how people around me respond.

The shift from to "it has to be a certain way", to "let's see what happens." There are just far to many factors that effect outcomes that we have no control over. To continue to insist that if you do A then you can expect B, is to ignore how events come into being.

So in closing, let go of the need to control outcomes and work with situations as they arise with greater patience, openness and compassion. This will enhance the quality of your life in many ways. I won't say in which ways because that will be just trying to control outcomes again. Just show up and see what happens when you let go of your insistance to control outcomes.

Mindfulness, Mindfulness.... Where has mindfulness gone?

Mindfulness mindfulness mindfulness. Mindfulness for this, mindfulness for that. Everywhere you

turn you see or hear about mindfulness.

For example, mindfulness to become a better parent, mindfulness to become a better doctor, mindfulness to become a better lawyer, mindfulness in order to be a better student, mindfulness in order to get rid of headaches, and can you believe it mindfulness even mindfulness overcome shyness.

Yes even me! In trying to work with my publisher on an acceptable title for my book I was repeatedly told that the title must PROMISE something to the reader, something they want. I lost that battle. In the subtitle of my book it reads: "…to overcome fear and embrace compassion." This is a promise, I don't even believe.

The true mindful practice doesn't help you overcome anything. It just helps you face things better.

Like everything else that gets exploited mindfulness is now neatly package for your consumptive desires.

Its right up there on the shelf with shoes, lawn mowers, vacation packages, breakfast cereals, eyeliners, and the best diet

Everybody is touting and selling mindfulness. Step right up and get yours.

Okay let's restore some sanity here.

If you do mindfulness for some outcome you're not doing mindfulness. I'm not sure what you're doing and it may be beneficial but it is not mindfulness.

You see, the real practice all mindfulness has no outcome. You don't do mindfulness to get anywhere or achieve anything.

So why practice mindfulness?

All the great teachers (Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Toltec, Muslim, Native Peoples) have taught one thing:

The only reason to practice mindfulness is this: to wake up!!!!

That's all.

To wake up!

The more you peel back the layers of self deception and see things clearly as they truly are, in other words the more wake you become, the more you are able to live your life from an open compassionate heart, and a balanced calm mind. The benefits of this spontaneously move in all directions throughout all space and time.

Geez, Neuropsychology (Richard Davidson at UW-Madison and others) has even shown that those who simply practice mindfulness meditation (i.e. the Dalai Lama) show profound changes in the structures of their brain!

So stop all this nonsense of trying to practice mindfulness for any particular outcome.

Practice this enduring skill for its own sake, and everything else will take care of itself.

The simple yet profound practice of mindful meditation, whether on a cushion or in a chair, or in a grocery line, or talking with another, just keeps you in an open, balanced, and compassionate place that just makes this a better world.

Oh, yea, from now on I am going to avoid using the word "mindfulness." It has become so overused that we just don't know any more what we are talking about. I am not sure what I will use in its place: Presence, or Deeply wakeful…….

Until the next series of moments arrive.

Tom

Thank a red light!

Hello!

So often we (me included!) are in a perpetual hurry, our minds firmly fixed on where it is we are headed to that we often miss one of the greatest opportunities to pause and reclaim a sense of mindful presence.

I am referring to the red light! That's right. When busily driving around, take this opportunity to change your perspective. See your driving amidst traffic as an example of how to be in the flow of the events of your life.

Rather than resisting, cursing, hitting your steering wheel about the red light, step back and view it as an opportunity. After all, getting upset is not going to make the light change any faster! They are all on timers! They are really not out to make your life miserable. Your reaction is what is making you miserable.

So when you come upon a red light say: Thank you! Take this time to find your pause (if you are not familiar with how to reconnect with your pause, check it out in my book The Mindfulness Workbook: A Beginners Guide to Overcoming Fear and Embracing Compassion). Rest with your pause and make the most of what this red light is offering too you. Look around you. Notice something pleasant, put a gentle smile on your face.

Again one of many occurrences in our lives that we can take advantage of to bring a greater sense of mindful presence alive for ourselves.

Peace to you.

Tom

mindfulness and relationships

I read this quote today and thought of the importance of remaining mindfully present in the way we relate to others.

"What others think of us would be of little value did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves."
- Paul Valery

Take some time today and reflect: The way we treat others is a mirror of the way we treat ourselves. If we are critical of others, in what way are we critical of ourselves? If we judge others how do we judge ourselves. If we put others down and ridicule them, how is it we do the same to ourselves?

You see it is so very easy to keep the focus on all that stuff out there: politics, religion, the environment, your mother-in-law, the kids, the president, our weight, the car we drive, getting others approval. This makes it very difficult to see that the source of our struggles resides is how we relate to ourselves.

Take some time each day to practice forgiveness, forgiveness towards our-selves. Give our-selves a break. Let our-selves be human and accept that we are who we are without criticism, judgment, or comparison. The more we accept ourselves as we are, the more we will do the same with others.

Watch how, as we learn to go lightly on ourselves we will begin to do the same with others.

Start with patience. Slow down and be more patient with yourself. Be realistic about what it is you expect to get done today. Pace yourself, and make some quiet time for yourself. Your life is unfolding just as it is. Are you going with it or fighting it because you want thing to go faster, get done sooner? Be patient with others around you. Remember they too are trying the best they can and are struggling with their own self judgments, criticisms, and fears. They don't need yours too!

Next practice openness. By openness I mean curiosity. Simply remain open to what is unfolding at any given moment. Whatever is occurring may or may not be what it is you want or think should be happening, none-the-less, it is happening any way. Watch how you try to control, resist, manipulate. By practicing openness, you can remain responsive to other people and you will find that your responses will add to what is occurring rather than fighting against it.

Finally practice compassion. There is a wonderful Zen saying:

"You are none other than me with a different name and a different face."

Practicing compassion when relating to others invites you to bring this awareness to better understanding and responding to others. Remembering this phrase allows you to keep from reacting to how other people may be thinking, feeling and/or reacting and respond with great compassion. Rather than needing to be right you can respond with "how can I help?"

As a final word. The wonderful thing about all this is that all we need to do is check in with ourselves. If we are agitated, angry, sad, disappointed, lonely, all we need to do is re-direct our awareness to what it is that the "out there" is touching "in here." Then it becomes easier. Rather that trying to do battle with, change, control, the others, life, we can focus our attention and energies where we can actually do something about our struggles. Yourself!

Treat yourself with greater patience, openness, and compassion, and you will see how this brings positive things to all of your relationships!

Every day mindfulness

Often I am asked if there are other ways to practice mindfulness than just in meditation.

YES!

Unfortunately, the way mindfulness is often portrayed leaves us thinking that mindfulness in just about meditation.

In fact mindfulness is about how to live in the world.

So here are some easy ways you can gently bring mindful attention to your everyday life:

One minute attention:

1. For one minute, stop what you are doing
2. At your desk, at a stop light, before eating a meal.
3. Relax your shoulders
4. Relax your jaw
5. Simply watch your breath
6. When finished, take a beep cleansing breath



Mindful eating:

1. Create an environment that is conducive to eating: Turn off phones, T.V., computers, etc.
2. Put a minimal amount of food on your plate.
3. Take a moment to pause and look at the food you are about to enjoy: look at the colors, shapes, and textures
4. Choose your first bite.
5. Put your utensil down, fold your hands in your lap and chew
6. Pause after you shallow before taking your next bite.

You may be surprised that you do not eat as much.


Walking mindfully.

Walking is something we also do every day. Too often we rush about oblivious to what is going on around us. We miss so much!

Here is a way to use walking as a way to awaken our senses:

1. While walking (in the grocery store, out to your car after work, to a meeting or appointment) just slow your pace down just a bit
2. Choose one of your senses and notice what is going on. What there is to see, or hear, or feel, or smell.
3. Stay with that sense for a minute.
4. Then change to another sense and again notice what that sense is picking up.



As with any practice of mindfulness, if your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the practice.